Self-Esteem

Having low self-esteem sucks balls, it really does. Looking back even to my schooldays I can't remember a time when I could actually look at myself in the mirror and be positive about myself. I do get told off constantly by family and friends for being so negative about myself. I think as anyone with low self-esteem would know, you develop your own self-defence mechanism to combat your own negative thoughts.

My self coping mechanism is too take the piss out of myself, I am sure many other people do the same thing. The thought process, or my thought process behind this is simple, if I make a joke about my looks or my weight first then I am taking control of the situation.

I've always been a very big girl so putting up with the usual 'Dumbo' or 'Jabba the Hut' comments becomes second nature after a while. I've had random people pass me in the street and bark at me like I'm a dog or call me fat. Don't get me wrong, it's not pleasant to hear but it's almost like I expect people to do things like that to me now, like I weirdly deserve it in a way which probably makes no sense at all.

I think if you are told that you are this or you are that so many times you come to believe it. I don't think I am a horrible person at all, I have at least overcome that hurdle, but nor do I believe I am attractive or something special either.

Anyone who knows me at all will know that I don't accept compliments well, I am trying to learn believe me but it's hard. Again, in my head if someone says something kind they are automatically taking the piss and mocking me when right in the back of my mind I know they're not. When I used to go out regularly on the weekend I did have men come up to me, flirt with me and tell me all the things men tell women when they want to get laid and I was pretty nasty, even to the nice guys.

My mother always used to ask me why I would be so horrible to men in particular and again it's easy, how can I think that any man can find me attractive or actually like me if I don't even like myself? And that's what it boils down to.

My head is bugged by the fact that I will soon be in my late twenties, I have never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, never had a meaningful relationship and to be honest, it kills me, it really does. I can make jokes about it all I want but it's not funny, not to me anyway. I want to be 'normal', whatever that is.

But, as much as I hurt, I know, as does my counsellor, that entering a relationship right now or seeking to enter one is just one huge no no.

I start dating someone, it ends badly and that puts me right back to the very start of the road I have just started taking baby steps on. I can't move forward until I somehow learn to accept who I am and embrace the person that I am.

It sounds all cliche bullshit I know but it's true. Many people have knocked my confidence, including people that I considered friends, but now I at least know who I can rely on and the number one person I need to have faith in is ME!