A New Chapter Begins

Victim, Rescuer and occasionally a Persecuter, that is me. Three words that kind of contradict the title of my blog but when all is said and done, those three words and the meanings behind them have helped to explain a lot about my state of mind and how I react to certain situations that have arisen in the past.

It's not exactly easy for me to bring out personal things into the public domain, it could be seen as attention seeking and desperate but for me it's therapeutic. I had never heard of the Victim, Rescuer and Persecuter triangle until I started my fortnightly counselling sessions which have been more helpful and thought provoking than I could ever convey with my words.

My problems with depression started quite a long time ago. Back when I was nineteen years old I thought at the time that I pretty much had it all, a loving family, a circle of friends, a good job that I did well and loved then it all came crashing down around me thanks to two people who at the time, I didn't just consider as work colleagues but friends.

To cut a long story short, the two people decided it would be fun to write notes about me right under my very nose. They were laughing like kids as they did it probably thinking that they were being very clever and big doing something to pathetic right under my nose. Part of me wishes I had ignored what they had done but I didn't, like JB Fletcher in Murder, She Wrote I decided to investigate further. I waited for the two said people to finish work and searched through the bin where they had torn up the notes and discarded them, I was determined to see just what they had said about me because for some reason I just KNEW that the notes contained remarks about me.

I searched for about ten minutes to find all the notes and piece them back together, it's funny really, the paper I pieced together ultimately ended up splitting me in two. Things were indeed written about me, about my alcohol intake, looks, weight, sexual history.....a lot of stuff which I don't want to write about on here as it's painful.

I am very big and not particularly pretty or clever so remarks about those things were no shock to me really, remarks about my sex life and alcohol intake really pissed me off at the time which is again strange as most people would think the former would be more upsetting but that's just how my brain works.

I've never had high or 'normal' self-esteem, in school I took on the role of being the fat joker who used her mouth to stop anyone from making comments or hurting me. Of course words did hurt, I would never show the people who had called me names just how much they made me shake or cry but when I got home and to the safety of my own room I would cry, I would wonder just why people could be so hurtful when I had done nothing wrong.

When I left school and started to work, for a while I felt okay. As I said previously, I loved my job so much but then this shit with the notes started and I hit rock bottom. I convinced myself that everyone who said they liked me secretly made fun of me or talked about me when I wasn't around, it ruined everything for me. I ended up leaving my place of work as I could not face going back there, I gave up a brilliant job just because my stupid mind would not allow me to move on.

There are many, many events that have shaped who I am today, going to the counselling sessions has brought up lots of memories for me that I had buried down so deep I almost convinced myself that I had dealt with them. That one memory sticks with me as it is what started my slide into oblivion, since that job I have had three more and each and every time I hit a block, I break down and can't face leaving my room, leaving my house, seeing anyone, not even my own mother.

Most of the time I feel as if my life is in a box floating away from me and I try to catch it so I can take control of things again but as soon as I get within touching distance the box shifts and I can't reach it, that's the best way I can describe things anyway.

The event at work was the nail in my coffin as far as my self-esteem went and ever since I have never recovered from it. It's difficult for me to really trust anyone but when I do meet someone I 'click' with, I let a lot of my inner thoughts out and become like a needy, annoying freak that needs constant reassurance and help.

I know that my traits do push people away, I have many issues that need to be resolved going back to things that happened even before I was born but that is best left for another blog.

Going back to the very beginning where I mentioned the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer triangle, that is something that I got from my first counselling session and as soon as I saw it and it was explained to me SO many things made sense.

If I stay in the role of Victim for the rest of my life, I won't be living, not as I see it anyway. I will constantly drown in my own misery and self-pity, I will attract people that might want to hurt me or keep me as a victim because that suits their role as a Rescuer. I am not saying that everyone in my life is bad or that I am a horrible, evil person because I'm not, it's just that staying a Victim forever will not do me any good.

I WANT to achieve things in my life, I WANT to look at myself in the mirror, smile and say 'Actually, you're a pretty good person and I'm happy with who I am.' Right now I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to gag or smash my face into it.

I want to be a better person for me and for the people that care about me and through the counselling, I am finally beginning to feel like there is hope and there is a better life for me out there.

I know I have thought before that I was cured, that actually there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy and stupid but the problem is with depression, it makes you think so many different things. One minute you feel on top of the world, ready to face life and all the challenges it throws your way, the next minute I just want to cry in the corner and feel useless because the change I told myself I would make never happened.

Slowly, I am beginning to see things more clearly, I am beginning to understand just where my behaviours and coping mechanisms have come from and bit by bit, session by session, I hope to resolve things. I need to go backwards before I can move forward, burying things under a little dirt does not make them go away, they stick around and linger, coming out every so often to haunt me and the baggage finally needs to go for me to be free.

The depression is always going to be there but I am finally learning how to stay on top of it, I finally feel like I can start to get a hold of my life again and I hope, I can share my journey with you every step of the way.

Thank you for reading my first blog entry, I hope to update every few days, my next blog will probably be about my weight and my skin, so it won't all be about depression and mental health problems, I might even do a weekly thing where I share my favourite beauty/Make-up products with people as they are my passion.

Any comments/feedback would be much appreciated, thanks for reading and listening. xx