I wish I could come back from my silence with a happy go lucky update to make everyone smile but alas, you all know me a bit better than that I think! (Yes, I like talking to myself)
My 26th birthday came and went without any major incident which was fine, I thought that I had made it through the whole birthday thing pretty much unscathed but the effects seem to have been delayed. For the past couple of weeks I have barely eaten, haven't washed, haven't changed pj's, as a matter of fact I absolutely stink! My hair is a matt ball of grease and part of me, a huge part of me, really just doesn't give an absolute shit.
This has been my 'Let's feel sorry for myself!' time and lots of tears have been cried into my pillow, I hate this time of year, hate it hate it hate it! Each year that passes as I quickly approach the big 3-0 I look at all the things I don't have, all the things that when I was younger I thought I would have achieved by now and I haven't.
No job, no house of my own, no boyfriend or signifigant other ever in my life, no children, well maybe not so much children, I've only decided that I would quite like to be a mother in the past couple of years since seeing my niece grow up into her beautiful five year old self.
I had dreams, lots of dreams and I accomplished none. I see other people that I used to go to school with and wonder where it all went wrong for me. I was never a bad person, I am not a bad person that much I can accept. Am I crazy? Probably. Am I fat? Yes, morbidly obese actually. Am I ugly? Personality wise no, looks wise yes. But I am not a bad person, I am not a stupid person either.
I've learned to just 'be' a certain way I guess. It goes back to the triangle my counsellor talked about, the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer scenario. In school, I was determined not to be a victim, when people tried to pick on me or called me names I answered back with humour and never ever showed them any sign of weakness, even though when I got home and was alone I would cry my heart out, I could never do that in front of them.
Because of my perceived strength in secondary school I was left alone pretty much, I became known partly down to my name, size and the fact that I wasn't willing to take any shit. I never resorted to violence, that's not my thing, but humour and quick witted one liners can definitely be a weapon if you know how to use them in the right away which fortunately I did.
I had a solid group of friends in school, one of them in particular used to get picked on quite a bit because she was so quiet and shy and she made the mistake of always getting upset and tearful whenever someone called her a name. Instead of being a victim, I took on the role of Rescuer, I tried to help her and stand up for her as much as I could, I tried to take her under my wing and protect her I guess.
My life is pretty much spent flitting between the roles of Victim and Rescuer, sometimes I can be a Persecutor but it's very rare as I don't feel comfortable persecuting anyone, others can do that and they do it well.
Right now I am firmly in camp victim and when I am in a mood like this it's very difficult to get of. It's almost like I become addicted to how I feel, like this is how I SHOULD feel because it's all I deserve. I go through so many different emotions and I end up realising that this is why I don't have friends or a partner, who would or could put up with someone like me as I am right now? I don't think anyone could.
I mean my family don't really have a choice in the matter, they're not the kind of people to kick me out on the streets and never speak to me again. My mother after all she has done for me and continues to do for me deserves better, I know that yet I can't seem to do anything about it. When she gave birth to me twenty six years ago I bet she didn't realise how much of a drain I was going to be on her life, how she was still going to be stuck with me as I approach thirty. She had a life when she was my age, she was working, dating, socialising, she had friends, she probably looks at me and wonders where it all went wrong, how someone so weak could be her daughter. She has MS and she copes with it better than I cope with my minor shit.
I know I am a disappointment in every sense of the word and I guess I am writing this just to get some feelings out. I'm not looking for sympathy or for people to understand, I guess most will read this and think 'well do something about it!' but the only way I can describe how I feel right now is that I am right at the bottom of a pit, I have to climb the pit to grab my life and take control again but each time I climb I get kicked down to the bottom again.
I would never in a million years wish these sort of feelings on anyone, not even my worst enemy because they are agony, torture. Sorry for going on too much, I wish this could have been happier.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Friday, 20 July 2012
PCOS and Acne
Two for one this morning, aren't you guys lucky?
I thought I would do a separate post for this as it is a separate issue so rather than lump everything into one I wanted to do it this way to keep my blog tidy, it's an OCD thing so you'll have to bear with me on this!
I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 2010 and believe me, it took a hell of a long time for me to get this diagnosis! I first started having problems back in 2005, my periods became an absolute nightmare to be honest with you. They were very heavy and very very painful. The stomach cramps and backache that I would get everytime I went through my cycle at times made me cry and I have a very high tolerance for pain.
At first I just accepted it, I didn't want to go to my doctor as to be honest, I was embarassed to talk about the problems that I was having. It was only when the pain became so bad and I was so ill that my mother took me to the hospital so I could get some strong pain relief that I relented and went to see my GP. She started to give me different hormone treatments to try and regulate my cycle which was on a schedule of it's own, due to my weight she wouldn't prescribe the pill so I had to make do with other treatments instead.
I tried numerous different things for almost a year before she finally made the decision to send me to see a gynaecologist. After being put on different tablets which never worked for a year I was delighted that I was finally going to get things sorted. That delight unfortunately turned to dismay when I did get to see the gynaecologist at the hospital.
I won't name names as I don't want to get sued but honestly, this person was probably the most horrible, condescending Doctor I have ever had the displeasure to meet. No sooner had I walked in to see her, she briefly flicked through my file, put it down on the table and basically said 'All your problems are weight related, I will refer you to a dietician'.
She didn't ask for any tests to be done, any scans, she didn't even ask me what symptoms I had, she just judged me on my weight as soon as I walked in through the door. I tried to be as nice as I could as I explained to her what was going on but I could see that she wasn't listening, she had made her decision and there was nothing that I could do.
I think I was in there for a little over ten minutes and when I came out of her room I felt like I had just wasted her time. I was very embarrassed and instead of going back to my GP and asking for a referral to another doctor I decided to just put up with things and attempt to lose weight to see if things got any better.
Now to be fair, for a couple of years I didn't have that many problems. Sometimes I would only get three periods a year, I knew that was not normal but I didn't have too much of a problem with it as no periods meant no pain and no problems.
It was mid 2008 that things started to get worse. I remember starting a period in the middle of May, it was heavy and painful but I didn't think too much of it, until it went on and on and on...said period did not end until the beginning of August. Did I go to the doctor? No, I had tried to hide how bad things were from my mother so she wouldn't make me go either, I did not want to go back to see said doctor and have her tell me it was all my fault for not losing weight. So I let it go but unfortunately, another period began at the end of August, I left it for a month before I finally broke down in tears one night and told my mother what was happening.
Of course, she practically marched me to the doctors and at first, she decided to try me on some hormone tablets to see if that would solve the problem. I gave them a few months to work but they didn't so again, I was referred to gynaecology. This time though my mother demanded that I see a different doctor and fortunately another was available.
Rather than being happy about going back to the hospital, I was dreading it. I thought that once again, I would see a doctor who would put all my problems down to my weight and this time, because of how long and heavy my periods were, I was desperate to figure out what was wrong with me because even I knew that this was not normal, not even for a fat person!
Well, as much as I had been dreading it, the day finally came and I went to the hospital. Again, as much as I would love to on this occasion, I won't use names as I have no money and don't wish to be sued! I went in to see the doctor and the difference was unbelievable.
I was in the office for nearly half an hour, we discussed at length the problems I had been having, I was asked lots of questions and this time I did not feel like a complete fool, I was taken seriously and nothing was just simply put down to my weight. The doctor wanted me to have blood tests and a scan as he thought that the likely culprit causing all my problems was PCOS but, with or without a firm diagnosis, I was told that having something called a Mirena coil (IUD) fitted would be the best option for me.
Now when this was mentioned, I must admit I freaked out a little. The thought of having to go through having it fitted whilst awake made me panic but once I explained my fears I was told that it could be done under a general anaesthetic, because of this I decided that I might as well go ahead and give it a try, I had tried everything else so why not this?
As it happened, when I went to have my scan, it showed that my ovaries were indeed Polycystic, I was even shown the little cysts because I am a nosey bugger I wanted to know what I was looking at as they scanned me!
I had to wait around six months to go into hospital and have the coil fitted and I will be honest and say it is the best thing I ever did. The Mirena has worked wonders, I have no periods, no pain and that has made my life so much easier.
I can never thank the doctor that I saw enough for taking me seriously and not making me feel like a fool. I know that many people who suffer from PCOS go through similar experiences and it's very unfair. It's difficult enough to go to a doctor and explain what's wrong without having them sneer at you and just look at you like you're a child who has said a naughty word. Thankfully, the second doctor I saw restored my faith after the previous one had shattered it.
Now that I have given you the background of my diagnosis and what has helped with my periods I now want to go on to the bain of my life since getting the diagnosis, spots!!!
As if suffering with acne as a teenager wasn't bad enough, I am now fighting them once again in my twenties! I know it's not a life threatening issue and believe me I am thankful that my only side effects of PCOS are unwanted hair and the dastardly pimples that forever pop up on my face but it's still very annoying and it does nothing for my already rock bottom self-esteem.
I think I have tried almost every skin product out there to sort things out but unfortunately, the acne I have seems to be related to my hormones and nothing seems to work that well. Just over a month ago I went to my doctor after I decided enough was enough and I am now taking Tetralysal antibiotics and I have an ointment to put on the spots on a daily basis too.
After about three weeks, I thought I had hit the jackpot as my skin cleared up and I did not have to pile on layers of make up to look decent but sadly, this did not last long. Over the past week, despite using the ointment and taking the antibiotics, my angry skin has flared up once again.
I have a three month course of these antibiotics to take and then I go back to the doctor for her to see how I am doing, if they have not worked I will be referred to a Dermatologist, I am hoping that these work as I feel kind of bad about being referred for something which is purely a vanity thing. It's not life threatening, it just bugs the hell out of me and I get depressed when I see another spot on my face. When I talk to people, I automatically think they are zooming in on my zits when they are probably not but it's just how I feel.
It would also be nice not to have to wear make up every single day! As much as I love the stuff, it takes me twenty minutes each day to go through my skin routine and put the damn stuff on! I would rather spend more time sorting out my frizzy copper hair!
Eeek! I realise this has been a long and boring post but I thought it would be good to give you some background. Any questions, feel free to leave a comment and just ask, I don't offend easily :)
I thought I would do a separate post for this as it is a separate issue so rather than lump everything into one I wanted to do it this way to keep my blog tidy, it's an OCD thing so you'll have to bear with me on this!
I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 2010 and believe me, it took a hell of a long time for me to get this diagnosis! I first started having problems back in 2005, my periods became an absolute nightmare to be honest with you. They were very heavy and very very painful. The stomach cramps and backache that I would get everytime I went through my cycle at times made me cry and I have a very high tolerance for pain.
At first I just accepted it, I didn't want to go to my doctor as to be honest, I was embarassed to talk about the problems that I was having. It was only when the pain became so bad and I was so ill that my mother took me to the hospital so I could get some strong pain relief that I relented and went to see my GP. She started to give me different hormone treatments to try and regulate my cycle which was on a schedule of it's own, due to my weight she wouldn't prescribe the pill so I had to make do with other treatments instead.
I tried numerous different things for almost a year before she finally made the decision to send me to see a gynaecologist. After being put on different tablets which never worked for a year I was delighted that I was finally going to get things sorted. That delight unfortunately turned to dismay when I did get to see the gynaecologist at the hospital.
I won't name names as I don't want to get sued but honestly, this person was probably the most horrible, condescending Doctor I have ever had the displeasure to meet. No sooner had I walked in to see her, she briefly flicked through my file, put it down on the table and basically said 'All your problems are weight related, I will refer you to a dietician'.
She didn't ask for any tests to be done, any scans, she didn't even ask me what symptoms I had, she just judged me on my weight as soon as I walked in through the door. I tried to be as nice as I could as I explained to her what was going on but I could see that she wasn't listening, she had made her decision and there was nothing that I could do.
I think I was in there for a little over ten minutes and when I came out of her room I felt like I had just wasted her time. I was very embarrassed and instead of going back to my GP and asking for a referral to another doctor I decided to just put up with things and attempt to lose weight to see if things got any better.
Now to be fair, for a couple of years I didn't have that many problems. Sometimes I would only get three periods a year, I knew that was not normal but I didn't have too much of a problem with it as no periods meant no pain and no problems.
It was mid 2008 that things started to get worse. I remember starting a period in the middle of May, it was heavy and painful but I didn't think too much of it, until it went on and on and on...said period did not end until the beginning of August. Did I go to the doctor? No, I had tried to hide how bad things were from my mother so she wouldn't make me go either, I did not want to go back to see said doctor and have her tell me it was all my fault for not losing weight. So I let it go but unfortunately, another period began at the end of August, I left it for a month before I finally broke down in tears one night and told my mother what was happening.
Of course, she practically marched me to the doctors and at first, she decided to try me on some hormone tablets to see if that would solve the problem. I gave them a few months to work but they didn't so again, I was referred to gynaecology. This time though my mother demanded that I see a different doctor and fortunately another was available.
Rather than being happy about going back to the hospital, I was dreading it. I thought that once again, I would see a doctor who would put all my problems down to my weight and this time, because of how long and heavy my periods were, I was desperate to figure out what was wrong with me because even I knew that this was not normal, not even for a fat person!
Well, as much as I had been dreading it, the day finally came and I went to the hospital. Again, as much as I would love to on this occasion, I won't use names as I have no money and don't wish to be sued! I went in to see the doctor and the difference was unbelievable.
I was in the office for nearly half an hour, we discussed at length the problems I had been having, I was asked lots of questions and this time I did not feel like a complete fool, I was taken seriously and nothing was just simply put down to my weight. The doctor wanted me to have blood tests and a scan as he thought that the likely culprit causing all my problems was PCOS but, with or without a firm diagnosis, I was told that having something called a Mirena coil (IUD) fitted would be the best option for me.
Now when this was mentioned, I must admit I freaked out a little. The thought of having to go through having it fitted whilst awake made me panic but once I explained my fears I was told that it could be done under a general anaesthetic, because of this I decided that I might as well go ahead and give it a try, I had tried everything else so why not this?
As it happened, when I went to have my scan, it showed that my ovaries were indeed Polycystic, I was even shown the little cysts because I am a nosey bugger I wanted to know what I was looking at as they scanned me!
I had to wait around six months to go into hospital and have the coil fitted and I will be honest and say it is the best thing I ever did. The Mirena has worked wonders, I have no periods, no pain and that has made my life so much easier.
I can never thank the doctor that I saw enough for taking me seriously and not making me feel like a fool. I know that many people who suffer from PCOS go through similar experiences and it's very unfair. It's difficult enough to go to a doctor and explain what's wrong without having them sneer at you and just look at you like you're a child who has said a naughty word. Thankfully, the second doctor I saw restored my faith after the previous one had shattered it.
Now that I have given you the background of my diagnosis and what has helped with my periods I now want to go on to the bain of my life since getting the diagnosis, spots!!!
As if suffering with acne as a teenager wasn't bad enough, I am now fighting them once again in my twenties! I know it's not a life threatening issue and believe me I am thankful that my only side effects of PCOS are unwanted hair and the dastardly pimples that forever pop up on my face but it's still very annoying and it does nothing for my already rock bottom self-esteem.
I think I have tried almost every skin product out there to sort things out but unfortunately, the acne I have seems to be related to my hormones and nothing seems to work that well. Just over a month ago I went to my doctor after I decided enough was enough and I am now taking Tetralysal antibiotics and I have an ointment to put on the spots on a daily basis too.
After about three weeks, I thought I had hit the jackpot as my skin cleared up and I did not have to pile on layers of make up to look decent but sadly, this did not last long. Over the past week, despite using the ointment and taking the antibiotics, my angry skin has flared up once again.
I have a three month course of these antibiotics to take and then I go back to the doctor for her to see how I am doing, if they have not worked I will be referred to a Dermatologist, I am hoping that these work as I feel kind of bad about being referred for something which is purely a vanity thing. It's not life threatening, it just bugs the hell out of me and I get depressed when I see another spot on my face. When I talk to people, I automatically think they are zooming in on my zits when they are probably not but it's just how I feel.
It would also be nice not to have to wear make up every single day! As much as I love the stuff, it takes me twenty minutes each day to go through my skin routine and put the damn stuff on! I would rather spend more time sorting out my frizzy copper hair!
Eeek! I realise this has been a long and boring post but I thought it would be good to give you some background. Any questions, feel free to leave a comment and just ask, I don't offend easily :)
Self-Esteem
Having low self-esteem sucks balls, it really does. Looking back even to my schooldays I can't remember a time when I could actually look at myself in the mirror and be positive about myself. I do get told off constantly by family and friends for being so negative about myself. I think as anyone with low self-esteem would know, you develop your own self-defence mechanism to combat your own negative thoughts.
My self coping mechanism is too take the piss out of myself, I am sure many other people do the same thing. The thought process, or my thought process behind this is simple, if I make a joke about my looks or my weight first then I am taking control of the situation.
I've always been a very big girl so putting up with the usual 'Dumbo' or 'Jabba the Hut' comments becomes second nature after a while. I've had random people pass me in the street and bark at me like I'm a dog or call me fat. Don't get me wrong, it's not pleasant to hear but it's almost like I expect people to do things like that to me now, like I weirdly deserve it in a way which probably makes no sense at all.
I think if you are told that you are this or you are that so many times you come to believe it. I don't think I am a horrible person at all, I have at least overcome that hurdle, but nor do I believe I am attractive or something special either.
Anyone who knows me at all will know that I don't accept compliments well, I am trying to learn believe me but it's hard. Again, in my head if someone says something kind they are automatically taking the piss and mocking me when right in the back of my mind I know they're not. When I used to go out regularly on the weekend I did have men come up to me, flirt with me and tell me all the things men tell women when they want to get laid and I was pretty nasty, even to the nice guys.
My mother always used to ask me why I would be so horrible to men in particular and again it's easy, how can I think that any man can find me attractive or actually like me if I don't even like myself? And that's what it boils down to.
My head is bugged by the fact that I will soon be in my late twenties, I have never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, never had a meaningful relationship and to be honest, it kills me, it really does. I can make jokes about it all I want but it's not funny, not to me anyway. I want to be 'normal', whatever that is.
But, as much as I hurt, I know, as does my counsellor, that entering a relationship right now or seeking to enter one is just one huge no no.
I start dating someone, it ends badly and that puts me right back to the very start of the road I have just started taking baby steps on. I can't move forward until I somehow learn to accept who I am and embrace the person that I am.
It sounds all cliche bullshit I know but it's true. Many people have knocked my confidence, including people that I considered friends, but now I at least know who I can rely on and the number one person I need to have faith in is ME!
My self coping mechanism is too take the piss out of myself, I am sure many other people do the same thing. The thought process, or my thought process behind this is simple, if I make a joke about my looks or my weight first then I am taking control of the situation.
I've always been a very big girl so putting up with the usual 'Dumbo' or 'Jabba the Hut' comments becomes second nature after a while. I've had random people pass me in the street and bark at me like I'm a dog or call me fat. Don't get me wrong, it's not pleasant to hear but it's almost like I expect people to do things like that to me now, like I weirdly deserve it in a way which probably makes no sense at all.
I think if you are told that you are this or you are that so many times you come to believe it. I don't think I am a horrible person at all, I have at least overcome that hurdle, but nor do I believe I am attractive or something special either.
Anyone who knows me at all will know that I don't accept compliments well, I am trying to learn believe me but it's hard. Again, in my head if someone says something kind they are automatically taking the piss and mocking me when right in the back of my mind I know they're not. When I used to go out regularly on the weekend I did have men come up to me, flirt with me and tell me all the things men tell women when they want to get laid and I was pretty nasty, even to the nice guys.
My mother always used to ask me why I would be so horrible to men in particular and again it's easy, how can I think that any man can find me attractive or actually like me if I don't even like myself? And that's what it boils down to.
My head is bugged by the fact that I will soon be in my late twenties, I have never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, never had a meaningful relationship and to be honest, it kills me, it really does. I can make jokes about it all I want but it's not funny, not to me anyway. I want to be 'normal', whatever that is.
But, as much as I hurt, I know, as does my counsellor, that entering a relationship right now or seeking to enter one is just one huge no no.
I start dating someone, it ends badly and that puts me right back to the very start of the road I have just started taking baby steps on. I can't move forward until I somehow learn to accept who I am and embrace the person that I am.
It sounds all cliche bullshit I know but it's true. Many people have knocked my confidence, including people that I considered friends, but now I at least know who I can rely on and the number one person I need to have faith in is ME!
Friday, 6 July 2012
Product of the Week
Benefit Boing Concealer
This product was the very first item I purchased from my local Benefit counter a good few years ago now! Suffering from acne and having spent quite a bit of money buying fairly cheap concealers which didn't work or looked far too orange on my skin, I had pretty much given up hope of finding a concealer that worked for me until I happened to be walking through my local department store one day. I had passed the Benefit counter many times before but I'd never stopped, I wasn't a huge fan of make up and I only wore it on nights out which were every other weekend at the time so I never saw the point in spending a great deal of money on make up I would rarely wear. However that day, I thought I would take a look at what they had to offer.
One of the ladies came up to me as I was browsing and I told her all about my problems with acne and how I struggled to find a concealer that was light enough for my very pale skin and could cover up the most horrendous blemishes so I could look half decent. Without even blinking she recommended Boing and I was whisked over to sit at the counter infront of a mirror so she could apply some to my skin.
I won't lie, it was a little disconcerting for me at first to have a random stranger touching my face! I had never had someone else applying my make up for me and to be honest I wasn't expecting the results to be all that great but once she'd finished dabbing the concealer over one side of my face so I could compare it with the untouched side I was really surprised!
The concealer blended in with my skin tone perfectly and the spots had disappeared, I knew as soon as I saw my face that I had to buy the Boing and use it for myself. At the time, it was £14.50, not cheap and the price tag did take my breathe away a little but I decided to treat myself.
From that moment I used this little pot of concealer every single day without fail and it became my first beauty staple. Boing doesn't just cover blemishes, it is actually marketed by Benefit as a concealer that covers dark under eye circles and lines and it does that job very well too. I've also found that putting it on my eyelids before applying eye shadow or cream makes the shadow stand out more and it also last longer.
The most fantastic thing about this product though is whilst the price is high, it now retails at £16.50, even though I use this every day one pot lasts me six months! So when you break it down, it is excellent value for money and to be fair, even though Benefit products are not cheap, they do last a long long time.
Now I don't plan to wax lyrical about all Benefit products as believe me, I have bought some duds in my time and I will talk about those just to balance out my fan girlism over my favourite make up brand.
This is my first ever attempt at a review so I hope it's okay!
One of the ladies came up to me as I was browsing and I told her all about my problems with acne and how I struggled to find a concealer that was light enough for my very pale skin and could cover up the most horrendous blemishes so I could look half decent. Without even blinking she recommended Boing and I was whisked over to sit at the counter infront of a mirror so she could apply some to my skin.
I won't lie, it was a little disconcerting for me at first to have a random stranger touching my face! I had never had someone else applying my make up for me and to be honest I wasn't expecting the results to be all that great but once she'd finished dabbing the concealer over one side of my face so I could compare it with the untouched side I was really surprised!
The concealer blended in with my skin tone perfectly and the spots had disappeared, I knew as soon as I saw my face that I had to buy the Boing and use it for myself. At the time, it was £14.50, not cheap and the price tag did take my breathe away a little but I decided to treat myself.
From that moment I used this little pot of concealer every single day without fail and it became my first beauty staple. Boing doesn't just cover blemishes, it is actually marketed by Benefit as a concealer that covers dark under eye circles and lines and it does that job very well too. I've also found that putting it on my eyelids before applying eye shadow or cream makes the shadow stand out more and it also last longer.
The most fantastic thing about this product though is whilst the price is high, it now retails at £16.50, even though I use this every day one pot lasts me six months! So when you break it down, it is excellent value for money and to be fair, even though Benefit products are not cheap, they do last a long long time.
Now I don't plan to wax lyrical about all Benefit products as believe me, I have bought some duds in my time and I will talk about those just to balance out my fan girlism over my favourite make up brand.
This is my first ever attempt at a review so I hope it's okay!
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Acne and Current Beauty/Make-Up Routine
I am not going to lie, suffering from acne at the tender age of 25 really is a complete pain in my fat ass! Especially since I also suffered from it as a teen. At the age of around 18 my skin cleared up and for four years I was delighted by how clear and nice my skin looked, then at the age of 22 or 23 (I can't remember, I have drunk a lot since then!) BANG! The dreaded red, yellow, purple little critters came back!
When I was a teenager, most of the spots appeared on my upper back or chest, I would get the odd pimple on my face but nothing major, this time my face is just a mass of red painful spots that take ages to clear up. To cut a long story very short, due to lots of different hormone treatments prescribed by my doctor to treat heavy and painful periods and an eventual diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, I firmly believe that my crazy hormones have caused the acne to erupt once again.
Don't get me wrong, I do know I am very lucky! A lot of PCOS sufferers have far worse side effects from the condition and it's not serious, it's just a pain for someone like me who already considers themselves to be grotesque when I wake up in the morning to four more huge spots adorning my crater like face!
I have tried to treat the acne for years by paying out money on expensive products which have either completely failed or worked for a while but not cured the problem. I don't even want to think about how much money I threw down the drain over the past few years when really I should have admitted defeat and gone straight to my doctor for help.
Over the past few weeks for some unknown reason my skin has got worse and I had finally reached the end of my tether. I went to my GP and let her examine my spots, I felt kind of bad for going for something small but I am glad I did!
I was prescribed a course of long term antibiotics called Tetralysal and given a lotion to put directly on my face called Zineryt. The Zineryt in particular has been amazing after just over a week's use, the right hand side of my face has had no new spots to report and it looks so clear! The left hand side still has some painful spots but the lotion has definitely made them less red and angry.
I am very pleased with the results so far, the antibiotics I need to take for a few weeks yet before I can make a judgement on them but I have my fingers crossed!
So, here comes the part where I bore you with my make up routine and skin care routine as I want to chart from now on how my skin looks and if the products I am using work or don't work for me so here goes!
In the morning, I use Neutrogena Visibly Clear Face Wash which I find gentle and much more pleasant as it has no smell to it, products aimed at spot ridden skin tend to really smell of alcohol and horrible medicated stuff but this doesn't so that is a huge plus already! I then use my Pro Activ moistureiser, I skip using a toner as I find them too harsh for my sensitive skin. The moisturiser is the one thing from the Pro Activ range that I continue to use, I was very disappointed with their cleanser and toner, they made my skin very dry and itchy but I am impressed with the moisturiser, it's very light and you need just a pea sized amount to leave your whole face feeling soft without leaving it greasy or sticky.
Now in the evenings I remove all make up and dirt from the day using Clean and Clear Deep Action Face Wipes as they really dig out all the dirt and leave my skin all tingly and soft. Today, I picked up a cleansing soap from one of my favourite companies, Lush, called Charcoal. I plan to wash my face with this gorgeous smelling soap before using the wipes to make sure all traces of my thick make up are removed. Once my make up is off, I then apply the Zineryt lotion which you cannot feel on the skin at all, that is a huge plus for me!
Make up wise, I have a longer routine! Having spot covered skin has made me addicted to make up and addicted to covering it up, I feel very embarassed about the state of my skin and I will never, ever leave the house without my warpaint on in full!
I start by putting on a Clear Pore Primer by NYX which softens the skin and makes the huge pores on my cheeks appear smaller. I then use a BB (Blemish Balm) by Maybelline which gives me light coverage. Then I apply another primer which gives my skin a lovely pink glow called That Gal by Benefit, the foundation goes on next and I am currently using my PlayStick by Benefit as it gives a heavy coverage without appearing orange or too OTT. Once the foundation is on, I then apply the only concealer I will ever use Boing! again by Benefit (It's expensive but most of their make up is just fantastic and lasts for ages!) Then last (I told you it was long!) I apply my powder which is Hello Flawless! by der der der der! Benefit again!!!!
Now as for my make up, the Benefit products that I use I am totally sold on, the NYX Primer and the BB cream I am not that impressed by. BB Creams have been raved about over in the UK but I don't find that they do anything for me, I will use what I have left but plan to switch to a tinted moisturiser by Benefit as I am in love with their products called You Rebel. As for the NYX primer, I have nearly finished that and I won't be purchashing again, I have gone back to a product called Dr Feelgood by Benefit which is a lot more expensive but it lasts longer and does an amazing job.
Like I said, I make no apologies for being a total Benefit make up whore, I plan to do some blogs just dedicated to make up reviews and beauty reviews too because they are my favourite things in the whole world!
So I am sorry if I have bored you all to death, I have no idea why I did this blog but I felt like it, I hope someone finds it useful!
When I was a teenager, most of the spots appeared on my upper back or chest, I would get the odd pimple on my face but nothing major, this time my face is just a mass of red painful spots that take ages to clear up. To cut a long story very short, due to lots of different hormone treatments prescribed by my doctor to treat heavy and painful periods and an eventual diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, I firmly believe that my crazy hormones have caused the acne to erupt once again.
Don't get me wrong, I do know I am very lucky! A lot of PCOS sufferers have far worse side effects from the condition and it's not serious, it's just a pain for someone like me who already considers themselves to be grotesque when I wake up in the morning to four more huge spots adorning my crater like face!
I have tried to treat the acne for years by paying out money on expensive products which have either completely failed or worked for a while but not cured the problem. I don't even want to think about how much money I threw down the drain over the past few years when really I should have admitted defeat and gone straight to my doctor for help.
Over the past few weeks for some unknown reason my skin has got worse and I had finally reached the end of my tether. I went to my GP and let her examine my spots, I felt kind of bad for going for something small but I am glad I did!
I was prescribed a course of long term antibiotics called Tetralysal and given a lotion to put directly on my face called Zineryt. The Zineryt in particular has been amazing after just over a week's use, the right hand side of my face has had no new spots to report and it looks so clear! The left hand side still has some painful spots but the lotion has definitely made them less red and angry.
I am very pleased with the results so far, the antibiotics I need to take for a few weeks yet before I can make a judgement on them but I have my fingers crossed!
So, here comes the part where I bore you with my make up routine and skin care routine as I want to chart from now on how my skin looks and if the products I am using work or don't work for me so here goes!
In the morning, I use Neutrogena Visibly Clear Face Wash which I find gentle and much more pleasant as it has no smell to it, products aimed at spot ridden skin tend to really smell of alcohol and horrible medicated stuff but this doesn't so that is a huge plus already! I then use my Pro Activ moistureiser, I skip using a toner as I find them too harsh for my sensitive skin. The moisturiser is the one thing from the Pro Activ range that I continue to use, I was very disappointed with their cleanser and toner, they made my skin very dry and itchy but I am impressed with the moisturiser, it's very light and you need just a pea sized amount to leave your whole face feeling soft without leaving it greasy or sticky.
Now in the evenings I remove all make up and dirt from the day using Clean and Clear Deep Action Face Wipes as they really dig out all the dirt and leave my skin all tingly and soft. Today, I picked up a cleansing soap from one of my favourite companies, Lush, called Charcoal. I plan to wash my face with this gorgeous smelling soap before using the wipes to make sure all traces of my thick make up are removed. Once my make up is off, I then apply the Zineryt lotion which you cannot feel on the skin at all, that is a huge plus for me!
Make up wise, I have a longer routine! Having spot covered skin has made me addicted to make up and addicted to covering it up, I feel very embarassed about the state of my skin and I will never, ever leave the house without my warpaint on in full!
I start by putting on a Clear Pore Primer by NYX which softens the skin and makes the huge pores on my cheeks appear smaller. I then use a BB (Blemish Balm) by Maybelline which gives me light coverage. Then I apply another primer which gives my skin a lovely pink glow called That Gal by Benefit, the foundation goes on next and I am currently using my PlayStick by Benefit as it gives a heavy coverage without appearing orange or too OTT. Once the foundation is on, I then apply the only concealer I will ever use Boing! again by Benefit (It's expensive but most of their make up is just fantastic and lasts for ages!) Then last (I told you it was long!) I apply my powder which is Hello Flawless! by der der der der! Benefit again!!!!
Now as for my make up, the Benefit products that I use I am totally sold on, the NYX Primer and the BB cream I am not that impressed by. BB Creams have been raved about over in the UK but I don't find that they do anything for me, I will use what I have left but plan to switch to a tinted moisturiser by Benefit as I am in love with their products called You Rebel. As for the NYX primer, I have nearly finished that and I won't be purchashing again, I have gone back to a product called Dr Feelgood by Benefit which is a lot more expensive but it lasts longer and does an amazing job.
Like I said, I make no apologies for being a total Benefit make up whore, I plan to do some blogs just dedicated to make up reviews and beauty reviews too because they are my favourite things in the whole world!
So I am sorry if I have bored you all to death, I have no idea why I did this blog but I felt like it, I hope someone finds it useful!
Monday, 2 July 2012
A New Chapter Begins
Victim, Rescuer and occasionally a Persecuter, that is me. Three words that kind of contradict the title of my blog but when all is said and done, those three words and the meanings behind them have helped to explain a lot about my state of mind and how I react to certain situations that have arisen in the past.
It's not exactly easy for me to bring out personal things into the public domain, it could be seen as attention seeking and desperate but for me it's therapeutic. I had never heard of the Victim, Rescuer and Persecuter triangle until I started my fortnightly counselling sessions which have been more helpful and thought provoking than I could ever convey with my words.
My problems with depression started quite a long time ago. Back when I was nineteen years old I thought at the time that I pretty much had it all, a loving family, a circle of friends, a good job that I did well and loved then it all came crashing down around me thanks to two people who at the time, I didn't just consider as work colleagues but friends.
To cut a long story short, the two people decided it would be fun to write notes about me right under my very nose. They were laughing like kids as they did it probably thinking that they were being very clever and big doing something to pathetic right under my nose. Part of me wishes I had ignored what they had done but I didn't, like JB Fletcher in Murder, She Wrote I decided to investigate further. I waited for the two said people to finish work and searched through the bin where they had torn up the notes and discarded them, I was determined to see just what they had said about me because for some reason I just KNEW that the notes contained remarks about me.
I searched for about ten minutes to find all the notes and piece them back together, it's funny really, the paper I pieced together ultimately ended up splitting me in two. Things were indeed written about me, about my alcohol intake, looks, weight, sexual history.....a lot of stuff which I don't want to write about on here as it's painful.
I am very big and not particularly pretty or clever so remarks about those things were no shock to me really, remarks about my sex life and alcohol intake really pissed me off at the time which is again strange as most people would think the former would be more upsetting but that's just how my brain works.
I've never had high or 'normal' self-esteem, in school I took on the role of being the fat joker who used her mouth to stop anyone from making comments or hurting me. Of course words did hurt, I would never show the people who had called me names just how much they made me shake or cry but when I got home and to the safety of my own room I would cry, I would wonder just why people could be so hurtful when I had done nothing wrong.
When I left school and started to work, for a while I felt okay. As I said previously, I loved my job so much but then this shit with the notes started and I hit rock bottom. I convinced myself that everyone who said they liked me secretly made fun of me or talked about me when I wasn't around, it ruined everything for me. I ended up leaving my place of work as I could not face going back there, I gave up a brilliant job just because my stupid mind would not allow me to move on.
There are many, many events that have shaped who I am today, going to the counselling sessions has brought up lots of memories for me that I had buried down so deep I almost convinced myself that I had dealt with them. That one memory sticks with me as it is what started my slide into oblivion, since that job I have had three more and each and every time I hit a block, I break down and can't face leaving my room, leaving my house, seeing anyone, not even my own mother.
Most of the time I feel as if my life is in a box floating away from me and I try to catch it so I can take control of things again but as soon as I get within touching distance the box shifts and I can't reach it, that's the best way I can describe things anyway.
The event at work was the nail in my coffin as far as my self-esteem went and ever since I have never recovered from it. It's difficult for me to really trust anyone but when I do meet someone I 'click' with, I let a lot of my inner thoughts out and become like a needy, annoying freak that needs constant reassurance and help.
I know that my traits do push people away, I have many issues that need to be resolved going back to things that happened even before I was born but that is best left for another blog.
Going back to the very beginning where I mentioned the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer triangle, that is something that I got from my first counselling session and as soon as I saw it and it was explained to me SO many things made sense.
If I stay in the role of Victim for the rest of my life, I won't be living, not as I see it anyway. I will constantly drown in my own misery and self-pity, I will attract people that might want to hurt me or keep me as a victim because that suits their role as a Rescuer. I am not saying that everyone in my life is bad or that I am a horrible, evil person because I'm not, it's just that staying a Victim forever will not do me any good.
I WANT to achieve things in my life, I WANT to look at myself in the mirror, smile and say 'Actually, you're a pretty good person and I'm happy with who I am.' Right now I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to gag or smash my face into it.
I want to be a better person for me and for the people that care about me and through the counselling, I am finally beginning to feel like there is hope and there is a better life for me out there.
I know I have thought before that I was cured, that actually there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy and stupid but the problem is with depression, it makes you think so many different things. One minute you feel on top of the world, ready to face life and all the challenges it throws your way, the next minute I just want to cry in the corner and feel useless because the change I told myself I would make never happened.
Slowly, I am beginning to see things more clearly, I am beginning to understand just where my behaviours and coping mechanisms have come from and bit by bit, session by session, I hope to resolve things. I need to go backwards before I can move forward, burying things under a little dirt does not make them go away, they stick around and linger, coming out every so often to haunt me and the baggage finally needs to go for me to be free.
The depression is always going to be there but I am finally learning how to stay on top of it, I finally feel like I can start to get a hold of my life again and I hope, I can share my journey with you every step of the way.
Thank you for reading my first blog entry, I hope to update every few days, my next blog will probably be about my weight and my skin, so it won't all be about depression and mental health problems, I might even do a weekly thing where I share my favourite beauty/Make-up products with people as they are my passion.
Any comments/feedback would be much appreciated, thanks for reading and listening. xx
It's not exactly easy for me to bring out personal things into the public domain, it could be seen as attention seeking and desperate but for me it's therapeutic. I had never heard of the Victim, Rescuer and Persecuter triangle until I started my fortnightly counselling sessions which have been more helpful and thought provoking than I could ever convey with my words.
My problems with depression started quite a long time ago. Back when I was nineteen years old I thought at the time that I pretty much had it all, a loving family, a circle of friends, a good job that I did well and loved then it all came crashing down around me thanks to two people who at the time, I didn't just consider as work colleagues but friends.
To cut a long story short, the two people decided it would be fun to write notes about me right under my very nose. They were laughing like kids as they did it probably thinking that they were being very clever and big doing something to pathetic right under my nose. Part of me wishes I had ignored what they had done but I didn't, like JB Fletcher in Murder, She Wrote I decided to investigate further. I waited for the two said people to finish work and searched through the bin where they had torn up the notes and discarded them, I was determined to see just what they had said about me because for some reason I just KNEW that the notes contained remarks about me.
I searched for about ten minutes to find all the notes and piece them back together, it's funny really, the paper I pieced together ultimately ended up splitting me in two. Things were indeed written about me, about my alcohol intake, looks, weight, sexual history.....a lot of stuff which I don't want to write about on here as it's painful.
I am very big and not particularly pretty or clever so remarks about those things were no shock to me really, remarks about my sex life and alcohol intake really pissed me off at the time which is again strange as most people would think the former would be more upsetting but that's just how my brain works.
I've never had high or 'normal' self-esteem, in school I took on the role of being the fat joker who used her mouth to stop anyone from making comments or hurting me. Of course words did hurt, I would never show the people who had called me names just how much they made me shake or cry but when I got home and to the safety of my own room I would cry, I would wonder just why people could be so hurtful when I had done nothing wrong.
When I left school and started to work, for a while I felt okay. As I said previously, I loved my job so much but then this shit with the notes started and I hit rock bottom. I convinced myself that everyone who said they liked me secretly made fun of me or talked about me when I wasn't around, it ruined everything for me. I ended up leaving my place of work as I could not face going back there, I gave up a brilliant job just because my stupid mind would not allow me to move on.
There are many, many events that have shaped who I am today, going to the counselling sessions has brought up lots of memories for me that I had buried down so deep I almost convinced myself that I had dealt with them. That one memory sticks with me as it is what started my slide into oblivion, since that job I have had three more and each and every time I hit a block, I break down and can't face leaving my room, leaving my house, seeing anyone, not even my own mother.
Most of the time I feel as if my life is in a box floating away from me and I try to catch it so I can take control of things again but as soon as I get within touching distance the box shifts and I can't reach it, that's the best way I can describe things anyway.
The event at work was the nail in my coffin as far as my self-esteem went and ever since I have never recovered from it. It's difficult for me to really trust anyone but when I do meet someone I 'click' with, I let a lot of my inner thoughts out and become like a needy, annoying freak that needs constant reassurance and help.
I know that my traits do push people away, I have many issues that need to be resolved going back to things that happened even before I was born but that is best left for another blog.
Going back to the very beginning where I mentioned the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer triangle, that is something that I got from my first counselling session and as soon as I saw it and it was explained to me SO many things made sense.
If I stay in the role of Victim for the rest of my life, I won't be living, not as I see it anyway. I will constantly drown in my own misery and self-pity, I will attract people that might want to hurt me or keep me as a victim because that suits their role as a Rescuer. I am not saying that everyone in my life is bad or that I am a horrible, evil person because I'm not, it's just that staying a Victim forever will not do me any good.
I WANT to achieve things in my life, I WANT to look at myself in the mirror, smile and say 'Actually, you're a pretty good person and I'm happy with who I am.' Right now I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to gag or smash my face into it.
I want to be a better person for me and for the people that care about me and through the counselling, I am finally beginning to feel like there is hope and there is a better life for me out there.
I know I have thought before that I was cured, that actually there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy and stupid but the problem is with depression, it makes you think so many different things. One minute you feel on top of the world, ready to face life and all the challenges it throws your way, the next minute I just want to cry in the corner and feel useless because the change I told myself I would make never happened.
Slowly, I am beginning to see things more clearly, I am beginning to understand just where my behaviours and coping mechanisms have come from and bit by bit, session by session, I hope to resolve things. I need to go backwards before I can move forward, burying things under a little dirt does not make them go away, they stick around and linger, coming out every so often to haunt me and the baggage finally needs to go for me to be free.
The depression is always going to be there but I am finally learning how to stay on top of it, I finally feel like I can start to get a hold of my life again and I hope, I can share my journey with you every step of the way.
Thank you for reading my first blog entry, I hope to update every few days, my next blog will probably be about my weight and my skin, so it won't all be about depression and mental health problems, I might even do a weekly thing where I share my favourite beauty/Make-up products with people as they are my passion.
Any comments/feedback would be much appreciated, thanks for reading and listening. xx
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